You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
