So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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