I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
