I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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