when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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