i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
