I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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