I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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