Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
