Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
