i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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