Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Four minutes until I can fart!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We're too hungover to prance.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
