My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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