the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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