if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
