Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
