If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
