there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
