Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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