there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
