Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
