how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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