just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
