just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
