Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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