oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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