Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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