I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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