I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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