They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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