He uses pillows to masturbate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
