But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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