I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
