You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I currently don't understand fingers.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
