I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
