You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
