i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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