Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
