Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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