Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
