I think i peed on brittanys purse
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
