He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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