Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
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hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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