I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
