i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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