Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
