I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
