how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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