I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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