Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
