Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
