i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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