I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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