i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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