when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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